where did I lose the light along the way?

So many not so many years ago, long before now before I forgot, here I stood embracing the world around me.

I wore flowers in my hair just because it was a day when I saw flowers. I wandered through a sprinkler or fountain just because I felt like it.

Today stopped me in my tracks. I stood there, watching the water splash down, reflecting the hot sunlight and inviting me in to play. I wanted to. I wanted to get soaked and laugh and not care. To release all this that has built inside, threatening my fragile acceptance.

I didn't do it. I have finally bent my will to everyone elses standards of proper behavior. I cried inside. Even further than I already had been. I broke a little more.

To supress the rebel, to shush the laughter, to hold back the screams and tears...

She aches to run free once more. She yearns to enjoy once again. She longs for her path to be her own.

She is so ready to burst forth, to splash in the water sprinklers, to sing out loud, so color on the walls, to throw her hands in the air and wave them like she just doesn't care, to wear flowers in her hair just because she sees flowers.

This ache inside, this thinly plastered wall of cheap promises and lousy reality, needs to be torn down. Needs to be tossed out so the lovely knotted wood that supports this frame can be polished and shine through with laughter and silliness and hope and care.