goodbye old bear

the surrealness of the moments today stick out far too clear. the crying. the climbing over a fence. the tracking down. the phone calls. the sight. the crying. the comments. the headaches. saying goodbye. the crying.

everything else is too public. too shiny happy face or too holding her shit together.

I am not holding my shit together as well as anyone might think.

I'm pissed at the #$@%#$^$@#% airlines because they have 'oversold' their two possible flights, hoping that someone won't show, meanwhile people who need to be in places at the last minute, like for a funeral, are screwed. And I want to know when customer service really died, because there is not an ounce of compassion in any of the people I talked to.

I'm pissed at the "goddamned Army" (MASH) because BF is theirs and I can't talk to him or tell him whats going on so we can sort through this mess, but if it weren't for the Army he would be here now anyway and it would be a moot point, but again, if it weren't for the Army we wouldn't have met. I rail. It does no good.

I'm tired of trying to get things settled. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired... I'm just tired.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He was a grouch. A coot. An ornery bear. An ogre. And these were the affectionate terms. Really. But he did a lot of great stuff and was a huge civic leader and influence for decades. He got shit done. His way. He knew what was right and what needed to happen and he growled and made sure it happened.

He built this city. He helped push laws into place on a state level. He was in the Army Air Corp in WWII. Which nearly killed him and then forgot about him. He taught so many programs. He was hard on his family and had a terrible temper. He was an alcoholic. He died just before noon, alone in a hospital bed.

And I can't stop crying.