The Cost Of Living Now
She bats away the question, going on to answer her own thoughts out loud. I stand there in wonder and break just a little more inside, knowing that she is my family and because of this she is my future.
It scares me. To watch her react like that, to stand there as if nothing is happening and go on in her own world.
And I admit I do the same. The denial. The evading. In my own way, I do live in my own world.
~~~~~~~
My grandmother refuses to do anything for my grandfather right now. She's tired of fighting him, of arguing with him of what he needs to do for his health. Maybe not so much refuses as has given up on trying.
He's ornery and grouchy and in pain because he's 87 years old and his body is failing and he doesn't want to drink the fluids his body needs because it hurts to walk to go to the bathroom. He should use a cane or walker, but doesn't, and has fallen more times in the past few months than my grandmother admits, he's fallen in the middle of the night, with no one around, and so he just goes to sleep there on the floor.
These traits are in my DNA. These are things that scare me about my genealogy. The temper. The attitudes. The addictions. The denial. The workaholism. The stubbornness. The depression.
Several reasons why I lean towards not having children. I remember screaming that statement once when I was younger. I don't want to pass this on to yet another generation.
I want to hope that I won't be like that when I'm older. I want to hope that I'll still be painting or throwing pottery or carving wood or doing something. I want to hope I'll still be active. But the reality of my situation is that I'm already like that. I don't go out, except for the business meetings or occasional family dinner thing. I spend a lot of time sitting here in front of a computer hoping that the words I write will get me paid so that I can afford more staples or canvas or supplies, as well as pay the bills & purchase food. I shuffle around, some days not leaving the house at all, some days only eating once a day because it's inconvienient or too costly to eat three meals a day.
Right now, I am exactly like that. And aside from knowing that death happens, this is what scares me.
It scares me. To watch her react like that, to stand there as if nothing is happening and go on in her own world.
And I admit I do the same. The denial. The evading. In my own way, I do live in my own world.
~~~~~~~
My grandmother refuses to do anything for my grandfather right now. She's tired of fighting him, of arguing with him of what he needs to do for his health. Maybe not so much refuses as has given up on trying.
He's ornery and grouchy and in pain because he's 87 years old and his body is failing and he doesn't want to drink the fluids his body needs because it hurts to walk to go to the bathroom. He should use a cane or walker, but doesn't, and has fallen more times in the past few months than my grandmother admits, he's fallen in the middle of the night, with no one around, and so he just goes to sleep there on the floor.
These traits are in my DNA. These are things that scare me about my genealogy. The temper. The attitudes. The addictions. The denial. The workaholism. The stubbornness. The depression.
Several reasons why I lean towards not having children. I remember screaming that statement once when I was younger. I don't want to pass this on to yet another generation.
I want to hope that I won't be like that when I'm older. I want to hope that I'll still be painting or throwing pottery or carving wood or doing something. I want to hope I'll still be active. But the reality of my situation is that I'm already like that. I don't go out, except for the business meetings or occasional family dinner thing. I spend a lot of time sitting here in front of a computer hoping that the words I write will get me paid so that I can afford more staples or canvas or supplies, as well as pay the bills & purchase food. I shuffle around, some days not leaving the house at all, some days only eating once a day because it's inconvienient or too costly to eat three meals a day.
Right now, I am exactly like that. And aside from knowing that death happens, this is what scares me.
Labels: art, depression, fear, thoughts
posted by bella @ 12:54 AM
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