the floodgates are open

emotions are tricky bastards.

tonight I need a dive diner booth to stretch my legs out in and a friend to talk to as we order pancakes and coffee. I don't drink coffee, but in all my years of dive diner friend conversations there has been coffee.

I should have gone out of town. It's tearing at me that I'm not. I'm frustrated at the situation and after hitting the boiling point this afternoon my yelling has hit the limit as well. That and my vocal chords are scratchy from it.

It's why I take off and just go. I'm pissed at myself for not being able to. I'm pissed at BF and he doesn't know it but I don't need to bother him with it because he has Army stuff this weekend that a)he has to pass the PT test an do whatever XO stuff they have him doing right now, and b)it's my fucking birthday and I can't be with him, oh and c)because right now I'm really not strong enough and I need him and he's not here.

I flipped my lid this afternoon. I'd left work early to take care of things and the situations that happened, I just snapped. I was yelling and cussing at the top of my lungs in the car, blood boiling and I wanted to use my car to ram things. Bad, bad feelings.

I calmed down moderately through the evening, trying to go on. My plans got changed, so what. But then I just got more and more depressed. Over the situation, over the weekend, over everything. I finally made it home, took a looong hot soak in the tub & crawled into bed and now all I want to do is cry and write. At least the writing part is doing me some good. The crying, not so much.

Yes. I should have done what I wanted to do this weekend. Didn't happen. It sucks. So what am I going to do instead? Try to make some use of the time and work on backlog of projects. Try.

I'm upset. I want there to be an easier way for things. I want to be able to do the things I want to do. When I want to. Right now, i don't like the word compromise very much. In fact, right now, I don't like it at all.