It's good to be Queen

Quick trip to the store with my reserve 10 dollar bill, after work.

Store being Wal-Mart, because they're open 24 hours, and I get off work late.

I walk in, and they are hanging plastic over products and aisles have been taped off, only they've taped off the sections with makeup & soaps & pharmacy... you know the section?

Yeah. I almost panic. A guy ducks out from under the plastic, I ask if I can go in and grab something. He shakes his head no, says "They're repainting walls in there."

Umm. "I need tampons."

He pulls up the plastic curtain, says go this way, they're just getting started, so hurry.

Mad dash, down the aisle, past the cherry picker with guys in them, lift the plastic, grab the box I need, and skip back out.

Yeah, do not block a woman from her tampons. Not even to paint the walls.

On the later side, eating dinner, which for me is 11:30 at night, I returned a few phone calls. One to Boat. He told me about his vacation, explained about a newspaper article he'd sent that eschewed the glories of Minnesota vs. Texas. I wasn't laughing. He told me how his afternoon with his current ex had gone, said he'd moved on, she hadn't.

Pause briefly here to explain this is the same man who broke up with me over five years ago because he wasn't ready, and sent me a letter a few months ago because he still loves me.

He just said she wanted him to change religions, and he wanted her to be happy with him the way he was. He wanted a girl who would be happy with herself, as well as him. This I understand.

Then he said, of course, he still loved me. Said I was pretty and worth it.

I laughed. Really loud laughed. I snorted laughed. "Yeah, right!"

He said "No, I mean it. You are pretty..."

I cut him off. "Oh, I know I'm pretty. I'm beautiful actually." Must pump my ego any way I can, what better way to do this than by calling myself beautiful, especially to a man who once mattered. "I'm beautiful, I know. I'm just not worth it. At least to the men I've had relationships with."

He threw out "You are worth it to me. You know how I feel about you. I want you."

Serious now, "No offense here, this is my opinion only, but, too little too late."

Conversation quickly wrapped up, plesantries to catch up again later, keep in touch, etc...

Ok. Self repeat after me. "I am beautiful. I am worth it."

"I am beautiful. I am so totally worth it!"

Oh, and "And I am a woman, hear me roar!"

Roar! giggle.

wants

So the question was raised "what do I really want to do for a living?" The emphasis on really. As in, really, truly, totally, happily really.

Paint.

No layers, no bullshit, no smiling pretty and changing the subject. I want to paint. I want to paint walls. I want to paint little designs. I want to dunk brushes into cans of paint and throw it on the canvas. You know, in a precise way of course.

But the point of that is, I want to do this and get paid for it. To make a living. To me that implies that I could pay all my bills and still have enough money to save, still have enough to buy more materials with, each month.

But I'm scared to try this fulltime. I paint a few nights a week, small pieces. I carve once in awhile. And I have a full time job, and take part time classes, both in totally different industries, different fields. aviation customer service and natural health, no art involved, because I like those fields as well. Because if I had to make a living doing those things, I could.

And this thinking about wants brings up other wants.

Want to live?
Want to learn to do?
Want in another person?
Want to accomplish in 1, 5, 10, 20 years?

I want to live near a beach, although all the hurricane stuff really bothers me, so I've rethunk this a bit. Maybe a lake or river, but definately somewhere with water. And mountains & trees would be nice. I'm used to flat, scrub as far as the eye can see, literally, so I want change from this.

I want to learn how to surf, you know the surfing that involves water, not computers. I want to learn salsa dancing. I want to learn glassblowing. I want to learn how to weld. I want to learn how to fly a plane. I want to learn more tai chi. I want to learn thai yoga massage. I want to learn to be self confident enough to brag about the things I already know how to do and am good at, to the people who ask in real life, because being self confident on a blog is just my world.

In another person, I want a sense of humor, compassion, honesty, passion, understanding, sensuality, and a toucher. I want to be touched. I want to hold hands, spoon in bed, run your fingers up and down my arm, let me rub your neck and shoulders. I want to say "I don't know" when you ask me where I want to go eat, and not have you get mad at me. I want to wear my ratty jeans and my grandfather's work shirts with my hair pulled up in a ponytail, and you tell me I'm beautiful. And I want forever. I want to travel with you, raise a family, and grow old together, no giving up bullshit. I want commitment, to know I'm the one you come home to, to know you're the one I come home to.

Is this so much to ask? I know I'm capable of this, is it too much to ask that the man I love give me as much in return? Is it even possible in this day an age?

You know, to find a man who will hold hands? ;)

1 year?: Pay off all debt. Finish my Bachelors degree, ok, year to two years for this one. Start learning sculpture.
5 years?: Be showing my work in a gallery, or open my own. To have a house with a kitchen for gathering, a porch for sitting, and a workshop for building & painting. To have someone to share it with. Maybe get my Masters in Natural Health.
10 years?: Children, a family. Travel showing artwork. Write a book. On something. I'll decide later.
20 years?: Oh, hell. I get stumped planning for next week, how the hell can I plan for 20 years? Ok - umm, I want to own a vineyard and make wine. Publish the book I started 10 years ago. And make sculptures of naked bodies.

A little deep tonight, eh? Yeah, well, it needed to be voiced, because it was rattling around in my head all day, so this way, it's out there, so I can accept any help the universe is willing to send my way.

You listening universe? Or do I need to paint you a picture?

Creme Wild Thing

That's the name of the nail polish I just painted my toes, not an erotic dance.

My toes got bored being Teal For Two - shiny blue turquoise. They decided to be creamy Wild Thing, this crazy bright lime green,

I am not a pink toenail girl. At least not right now. Maybe winter I'll get like a wine color or such. Right now - I like 'em this way. At least as long as I can still wear open toed shoes and sandals to work, to kick up the black skirts & outfits I wear.

I can change my toenail polish alot easier than I can randomly cut or grow out my hair just because I want change.

When I got on the road home this afternoon, and had stopped in Angelo for a hot dog because I was for some reason craving one, with relish & cheese... mmmm, now I want another.... I finally got cell reception again, so called BB & talked for quite awhile.

He was on his way into work, me heading home. Compared weekend adventures, chatted about friends & work, whatever. Then I asked if he was interested in a relationship.

Yeah, another man who would rather work on his job/career than get laid on a regular basis.

Ok - that's me being bitter about it, now. The rational side of me understands, the traditional side screams that that's how it's done. Men get careers, then they get married then they get a family. The realistic side of me cries that yet another fella I really liked, and would like to get to know better, doesn't feel the same about me. Argh. Am I so, oh, I don't know - something - that I'm undateable? Much less unloveable? Come on, I thought I was endearing. No, apparently, I'm good enough at a later date and time when these men (past experiences have proven) then decide they are ready for me, and want me back. They then decide, after I've moved on, that I'm the one for them.

Screw it. Yet again, I tell myself this. That defense mechanism that kicks in, to save whatever is left of my self esteem. "I am good enough. I'm smart, I'm creative, I'm sensual, I'm caring, I'm a hard worker, I'm versatile, I am worth it right here and now."

Whatever IT is.

Oh - I have a great smile. This I know. So it's not the smile that scares men away. (sniff, sniff) Nope, not the body odor, I smell great too. And I think I have pretty good looks, I mean I used to work as a model, so come on, I can't be that bad.

Eh, well... a few more days nursing my ego, I'll be fine. And a few cathartic painting sessions of course.

And if those painting sessions happen to involve my toenails - great!

Although I really like that scene in What the Bleep? where Amanda, played by Marlee Matlin is drawing on her body with her eyeliner pencil. She draws and writes and doodles on her hips, legs thighs, arms, tummy... it made her feel better. I used silver & green & blue, it worked.

Just don't take pictures & have them developed at WalMart, they won't print those naked breasts...

borrowing a computer

and it's pretty cool - all the editing icons across the top of the compose page, I don't get this stuff on my mac at home....

Spent way more on my debit card than I should have today, am still having trouble figuring gas prices into my budget, so this little weekend away trip now puts me into negative numbers. This sucks. No $ till payday on thursday. And gas home will have to go on the cc I almost had paid off. Damn. Gonna have to rethink how badly I want to go to that workshop in Dallas in Sept.

zoom, zoom, zoom.... we went to Kerrville, did some shopping for A's office. I bought some shoes that I am now desperately regretting, except they were $15 bucks and soooo cute. We had a nice dinner & drinks, I had sangria... wonderful stuff. Then to the Point Theatre to see "Little Shop of Horrors"

Cute show, well played parts, good singers, fun set. At intermission I overheard a techie talking to a director I guess, one of the actors had tripped or fallen and gotton hurt. I had this huge gut instinct to try to help, somehow, anyhow, but also didn't want to butt in on thier world. Maybe I should go be a nurse or something.

Maybe. Maybe I should finish the degree I'm working on now before I go jumping into something else. Learn to make a committment to something, then maybe I can make a commitment to someone.

Man, I wish my phone would work. I really, really want to call a certian someone. Well, no, not L. Since he can't deign to call me in his ever-so-busy life, and every time I've talked to him since Dec. it feels like I'm interrupting something way important, then I say to myself "He doesn't deserve you. He didn't want you. Go on."

So I try to make myself believe this. And I decide I would rather call BB, tell him about A & her son, what we've talked about, the ranch we went to today, the river by the theatre, the food at dinner.... and have him tell me about his day, the ranch his parents are buying, about his niece & nephew, whatever he's up to.

Yeah, yeah... I sure got sentimental in such a short amount of time. I know. There are no set rules, except those I make for myself. And like A, I used to think I'd be married & have a family by now. When my mom was 27 she already had two, and my parents ran a business together.

Now, there's no pressure really to do anything you don't want to. Except I want the partner at home, for the rest of my life, love and tenderness, passion and dreams. I want the children, to raise as I see fit, to screw up as I will invariably do. I want to live outside the city, relaxed and remote, yet go to town to go shopping. I want to have the guts to open a gallery & sell my art, and make a living. The hard part is, as much as everyone says follow your bliss, follow your dreams, make yourself happy.... I can't make parts of my dream come true, alone. I need that other person there, supporting and loving. And I can't make anyone do anything they don't want to do, and I fear doing it alone.

I need to fight my fear. Put on my boxing gloves, kick some fear ass. I need to. I'm just scared.

brain scan

sleeping late, watching movies, girl talk with my best friend: priceless.

But still tied to the real world enough to check my email, only because my cell has no reception down here.

Also - 3 hours worth of driving time down here: Thinking about relationships. Thinking about how much I like spending time with BB, even if we're both working. And how he makes me laugh, and makes me feel great. Yeah, I do miss him...and I do not know when I'll be able to see him again, and it sucks. I have a contract with work, I can't just up and move just to see if anything will develop. And he may move again anyway.

Similar secnirao with L last year. But we were "in love", planning a family, planning a future... together.

And a dream last night didn't help matters much. L's family & I happend to be in a buffet line at a resturant together, and they were going on & on how I broke L's heart, how he still loves me so much and how mean I've been to him. I was flabbergasted in my dream, confused when I woke up. Does this mean he still loves me or just my subconcious wants to believe this?

My psyche drives me NUTS!

50 dollars and a flask of crown

Tonight's soundtrack provided by Bleu Edmondson! My weekend is here.

No, wait, more enthusiasm - MY WEEKEND IS HERE!!!!!

And I made a 96 on my test today- so double yea!!!!

dancing around, song playing loudly, two-steppin' shuffling, bouncing head side to side, wishin' I was in a dancehall wearing boots & jeans kickin with a cute cowboy instead of barefoot at home, but rockin out anyway mood

segueway here -

I read others blogs, and decided I like being self-involved enough that I really do not write about current events, other than those that affect me, as there are plenty of news sources out there for yours & mine perusal, but I will currently choose to not be a contributer to this.

I like being voyeuristic and reading other people's personal lives, you know, the daily emotional crazyness, the random conversations - of which I think there should be more of, because those are fun - and the look into someone else's life, to realize I'm pretty darn normal after all.

Now - back to your regularly scheduled program: me effusing the absolute greatness of having three days away from work! Oh - except I won some surprise prize in a random drawing at work today, so that part was kinda cool. Weird, but cool. It will be mailed to me... I'm hoping it's a trip to Hawaii, or a Winnebago or something... I can't wait.

Now on to "Travelin' Man", and the Texas Road Trip & Brewed In Texas CDs...

Hill Country here I come... any cowboys available for a little two-steppin'?

What color is the sky in your world?

See, in my world the sky changes colors depending on my moods. As a gauge for other peoples moods, instead of asking how they're feeling or what they're thinking, I ask what color the sky is in their world.

A happy world for me is a lavender-purple sky. Yellow to red if I'm upset or angry, greens if I'm just contemplating & quiet, and blues to grays if I'm sad or lonely.

But for other people, yellow may be perfect, or green, so I don't judge, it's just a gauge. It's a way to get them to open up, and relax, because for some reason, thinking about your own little world, with a sky painted any color you want it, seems like you're four years old again. It's definitely not what you think about when you're 27, and have a grown-up job, must help pay bills, clean the house, make the dinner, worry about the parental units, and stress over classwork.

But I do.

I dream in color. I love the names of the paints I buy. I love the names of the paintchips I browse through everytime I'm in Home Depot.

And today my sky was amethyst purple fading to turquoise. Decent day. Busy again. And since it's been a week & a half straight, I'm on burnout, so I'm getting quieter. I'm ready for my weekend away.

So. What color is the sky in your world?

BTW, it's not the kitchens

He told me I smelled great this morning, while standing in my bedroom. So, it's not the kitchens.

the beat goes on

The highlight of my day? BB. One last day. Swimming, kissing, lunching, talking. Alot of talking.

One of those open ended conversations about friends, family, relationships, sex, work, life plans, and potential for the other person to be there.

Potential. Hmm.

I mean, I believe that anything is possible. Anything can be accomplished, if you work on it. You know, I carve on the piece of wood until it's the shape I like, mix the colors to blend and compliment the way I want. Change my wardrobe from grungy jeans and shorts to skirts and pretty shirts. Pick a new career and start classes. Any thing is possible? huh... next I should think the possibilities through for my hair.

So this theory should translate to the non-tactile world as well. In theory. This theory would involve me letting myself let go of someone. This theory would involve me learning to trust again. This theory would involve the word love popping into the vocabulary somewhere in the future. This theory sounds good in theory.

The headache of my day (besides the trying to keep the theories straight back there), was work. It was busy. And not just taking orders and entering computer information busy, but 2 to 3 phone lines ringing at once, taking orders, giving directions, booking rooms & rental cars, having the 4th line ring, entering the computer information, and having another plane land to start the whole thing over again busy.

Frazzled. Check. Short-circuited my brain. Check. Overwhelmed. Check. Hungry. Check. Paper-cuts. Check. Snippy to friends. Check. Snippy to BB. Unfortunately check. Thusly catching up on the paperwork, and everyone cleared out, I texted an I'm sorry to BB. All forgiven. And I did eventually eat.

Tomorrow's planned adventures for Bella? Enroll in my company's 401k. Search and decide on a new cellphone because my current one flips the screen info upside down and shuts off randomly. I need a rubber case for my next cellphone though, because it would be nice if it would bounce instead of scatter. Hmm, find goodies to take to A this weekend. Oh, and work.

Now to remember blissfully the happiness from this morning. Postulating more theories will be left till a later time.

spiderwebs

or something such as that.

It trips me out when I'm walking into the garage and walk through a spiderweb, something light as air, against my arms or face. I do that little spiderweb in my face dance, brushing my arms and body, turning in circles to try to get them off me.

But when I'm jogging, in the middle of the open road, no walls or buildings or fences or doors to walk through nearby?

That trips me out way more.

Like are there spiders flying about in the sky, flinging their spiderwebby film around?

And in other news....

I'm going to see A this weekend, and hopefully take in another show, and definately stay up late talking and relaxing. This is why my best friend is wonderful.

And she will let me rant against relationships and let me beat myself up over the men, then she'll say "I still Love you!" Course she's a single mom in the wild remoteness of the hill country of Texas, so the only man in her life is 2 and a half.

Although she gets tired of him, too. But he's cute, and after he goes to sleep she decides she'll keep him after all.

And truthfully, that's when most guys are keepers.

Unless they fart on me, that's not so cute.

But if he walks in front of me to clear out the spiderwebs, he's a keeper.

and I cried anyway

Well. Finished off the chocolate. Took a shower. Yes, Coco Cabana lotion, which always makes me feel like I'm on a beach. And climbed into bed to read. And for heaven only knows what reason I picked up the one book by my bed, out of six, the one that I got to a chapter and started bawling.

I thought I wasn't going to cry.

But this wasn't crying over BB, (whom I have not heard from since yesterday, by the way), this was deeper.

This was tears soaking my pillow, blurring my glasses, nose sniffly, trying to catch my breath, crying over..... L.

How deep it runs. I haven't seen him since December when we broke up at the airport. I still love him.

One small scar over an older deeper wound caused it to reopen.

Ouch.

But ever the optimist I think to myself "Self, if you could start to develop feelings for a man after just a few weeks, then maybe, just maybe, it's possible that eventually you will actually get over L, and find someone who really wants you the way you are."

Self has alot of these conversations without me, obviously.

and did I listen? nope.

I told myself I don't need a man.
I told myself I don't need a relationship.
I told myself not to get involved with anyone EVER again.
I told myself not to start anything with a man who may be relocated.
I told myself to just be nice & flirty, not go to lunch everyday and talk on the phone everyday.
I told myself that.

And did I listen? No. No, not just no, but HELL NO.

I went and got all giggily when he called.
I wondered what he would think of the skirt I was wearing.
I liked the verbal sparring, the debates, the silly name calling.
I relished how he kissed. Soft lips, just the right angle, just the right amount of tongue pressure. His hands on my neck to pull me into him. (sigh)
I loved the soft blue-gray of his eyes when I'd look up and find him watching me.
I loved the way I made him smile. And laugh.

And he's been redirected.

And yeah. The walls may not have come down all that far, but there was a spot in there for him, and obviously it was growing.

This whole having feelings thing - it sucks sometimes.
And this is one of those times.

I need....
I need.......
I don't know.

A good cry? Not really. I mean, yeah, I'd started to care for him, but not so much I'm going to cry about this.
A drink? Nah.
Chocolate? Well, yes to that.
A hot shower? Ok, yes to that too.
And hell, I'll use the Coco Cabana lotion, just to remember the sweetness.

And maybe next time, I'll listen.

HA!

cannoli & warm vanilla sugar lotion

I go through phases. Phases of liking things alot for awhile, then tiring of them and finding something new. Right now, it's cannoli, but only every couple of weeks, usually after payday, on a weekend night, after dinner. It's good, rich, creamy & chocolatey. I like.

Previous phases have included:
red wines, or sangrias with meals
mashed potatoes with honey instead of gravy
queso & chips, every night, for several weeks, while watching tv & doing homework
and tequila with ice & milk. do not ask me how or why, I honestly can not remember now, and would not drink it now, but it was good for a looonnggg time.

And I realized I go through phases with other things too. Lotion scents, for instance:
B&BW Daffodil
B&BW Warm Vanilla Sugar
B&BW Toasted Almond
B&BW Night Blooming Jasmine
B&BW Moonlight Path
B&BW Rice Flower & Shea
oh, I could so go on....

mostly I change lotion scents with the seasons.

But every once in awhile I'll wear something that evokes a memory I want to relish.

Like Oct. 2000. Warm Vanilla Sugar. Wore it all the time. Loved it.

Been dating Mike. Everyone told me if I broke his heart they'd hurt me, he was their friend first, I had just recently moved there. But he was going through his divorce, it had been hard, and we'd been drawn to each other, or so it seemed at the time.

One Sunday, I worked the lunch shift at the restaurant, he was working the dinner shift. I was a waitress/bartender, he was a cook/kitchen manager. But I show up this morning, no hostess & no dishwasher, me & one other senior level waiter, and 3 newbies, and the lunch cook. Problems. We usually had good seatings for lunch too, so no time to panic. I send out the newbies to take over the tables, waiter to play host/bartender/busser & help newbies where he could. I took over dishwashing & helping salad prep & tray setup. And it was hot in the kitchen, and since I wasn't "on the floor", so to speak, I took off my denim waitshirt & worked in my tanktop. I got hot & sweaty in the humidity of the kitchen & steaming dishes. Finally shift over, we survived, cleaned up & went home.

I came back to work the dinner shift a few hours later. The cooks had come in about 20 minutes after we'd left earlier, to prep dinner. I walk in, cleaned up, ready to work, and see Mike. He comes up and gives me this big hug and buries his face in my hair and neck. And he tells me that he'd spent the last two hours turning corners looking for me, because everytime he turned around, he could smell my scent, my vanillay, sugary, scent. It had lingered in the kitchen after I left, and he kept looking for me. He kept thinking I was right there behind him

Oh My God.

That memory has stayed with me.

We broke up soon after that. He got back with his previous ex-girlfriend. Our friends then got mad at him for breaking my heart. But we stayed friends. And he moved away. He met a beautiful girl a year or so ago, they got married, and he's in the Air Force now. He goes to Iraq in Jan. That I do not like to think about.

Just recently, after swimming with BB one morning, I walked into the kitchen after my shower, and grabbed BB and we went to grab lunch somewhere. He told me later that afternoon, that I smelled so good, creamy & sweet, that he could smell it the minute I walked in the kitchen.

I was wearing B&BW Coco Cabana. My summery fav. It's discontinued, unfortunately.

Lotion scents.

Is that what turns guys on???

Or maybe it's just the kitchens.

why am I up this freakin' late?

I mean, I know I'm a night owl, and my schedule is funky because of work, but it's 3:25am.

This is ridiculous. I'm surfing. That's all I'm doing.

Well, it started out innocent enough - I tried to log on to my school website to take a test, and it gave me a java error, so I reported it to the webmaster, but I don't expect to hear back till monday at least, so, off I went, wandering aimlessly into the vast reaches of cyberspace.

"Bored, now."

All I've accomplised? Uhh, my butt hurts from sitting, I'm a little horny, and my contacts are dry.

Bed. Now.

spittin' nails

Not really. It's just an expression. But he did piss me off earlier.

BB. Drinking. Heading to the lake for the weekend, talking to me on the phone. Already in "boy's obnoxious weekend of drinking, water-skiing, and generally being assholes to each other" mode. So I thusly ignored most of his comments. Until.

Until I said I'd call him later, after my jog. Well, off he went, "I've been meaning to talk to you about that."
me: "About what? My jogging?" although I had a sneaky suspicion what he was going to say, I wasn't about to help him.
bb: "Because you shouldn't be out running at night. There's stalker types out at night..."
me interupting: "you've been to my neighborhood, I feel perfectly safe here."
bb, still arguing the stalker point: "I don't care, there's bad stalker people out there, everywhere..."
me, attempting humor: "Well, the only stalker I'm worried about is traipsing up to a lake in oklahoma..."
bb: "What do you mean?"
me: "Never mind, I was attempting to to lighten the mood."
bb: "Well, I just don't think it's safe. Why don't you just get up early & jog in the morning?"
me: "Because it's cool at night, because I'm not a morning person..."
bb, adamantly: "Well, go to bed earlier & you could get up earlier & run in the daylight & be safer."
me: "You know me, it's not gonna happen!"
bb: "then take your phone with you!"
me: "No. I take a flashlight & a water bottle. I leave the phone on purpose. It's quiet out at night. The moon is out. The worst I've done is twisted my ankle a few weeks ago."
bb, as I said, was drinking: "Take your phone, or go to bed now and jog in the morning."
me: "I'm not going to continue this arguement with you. I'll call you when I'm done."

Yeah. I went jogging. A good long one. Humid enough, lightning on the horizon, which out here means it's 100 miles away in New Mexico, nearly full moon, wind brushing the prairie grass, crickets chirping.... and me venting to myself about dating another man who wants to change me.

H wanted me to wear Armani & go to nice business dinners, as he was in sales, it was all about first impressions. L liked the artistic side of me, but didn't like the clutter & mess, & would often tell me where I should work, how I should make a living. Boat was 12 years older, he always thought he knew what was best for me. And now... damnit.

BB. A nice enough fellow, silly and sweet to me. We spar verbally, sure, but it's friendly. We enjoy talking over lunch, we enjoy swimming, we enjoy the kissing & naps. And the blowjobs & masturbation. Yeah, I don't like the drinking like a frat boy, but he doesn't smoke, and everything else is good. I just do not like to be told to do something. I like my free spirit, my choices to do what I do. To see who I want to see. To go where I want to. But to be told to do something, I rebel. I go the other direction.

I jogged. I sweated. I ran it out of my system. I called him back when I got done. "You pissed me off earlier."
bb: "What did I do?"

Do men really have such short term memories????

me: "I appreciate that you worry about me, but it's my choices. I don't like you telling me what to do."
bb: "I didn't tell you waht to do, I just said it wasn't safe..."

Well, he was charming enough to be forgivien. And I keep telling myself, one step at a time. I keep telling myself I closed off my heart already, that it's not going to be easy to love him or anyone again. But I can enjoy his company for now. So. I tell myself I can let go, and no big loss.

Yeah, right.

tattoos & attitudes

Maybe it's because I've been watching "Miami Ink" & "Inked" every chance I get. I love the art, the beauty, the expression of tattoos. Ok, well, I'm not a fan of cartoon characters as a tat, but hey -if it works for you, more power to you.

I have three. A purple feather on my ankle, I lied on the form to get it the day before I turned 18. Many reasons - my birthday was to be spent doing school shows all day long & I wanted it done then. I even went in the week before to look at designs. Also, my mother had always said if we got a tattoo before we were 18, she'd scrub it off with sandpaper. This was when they were still taboo, and I really think she was just repeating what my grandfather had said. Well, as it was, she didn't find out for at least a month, by then, so be it. I remember when I wore sandals to school a few months later, a teacher actually licked her thumb and tried to rub it off asking if it was a temporary tattoo. Uhh, no.

The next one I got on a trip with friends. A and another friend got their tongues pierced, A got a small flower on her neck, but she already had three others. I had quit trying to pursue a career as a model - again, this was before tats & body piercings were normal on runway/fashion models, and wasn't worried anymore about having something to cover up. I had also had my heart broken in the past year, and was still emotional... wait, that part hasn't changed - the emotional part - so I wanted my heart on my sleeve - symbolically, but on my arm. My friends talked me out of that, thank goodness. I instead got a heart on my shoulder blade. Small, pretty, green.

Purple feather? Green heart? I shoulda gotten a blue star and then I could be a lucky charm!

Nah... I went to Dallas last year with L, and we found one of his old school friends who's a tattoo artist now. Caleb at Hold Fast Tattoos - lower Greenville. Well, I think he's still there. I should check, cause I want to get him to do some more work. He's good. Anyway - I got the word "breathe" on my wrist - he laughed, he said he'd been thinking about putting the word "think" on his hand. Why "breathe"? Just a reminder to breathe and take my time. Also the timing... 10 years since the first car wreck, 7 since the bad one. Just symbolic to me.

That should be the whole point though, right? I mean, art, yes, but it should mean something, symbolize something, to you. Because it's there for life.

This articlewas in USAToday & many other papers recently... says alot about how far we've come to accept the individuality of people. Well, for the most part anyway. I mean we've broken the barriers on skin color and attitudes, we can accept people for who they are, not how they dress or express themselves, even though that all makes a part of the whole person.

Again, for the most part.

I saw a EMT who had part of her hair dyed pink, and someone else commented "Don't you wonder what the person on the stretcher is thinking when they see that? Like does she know what she's doing? Do I trust this person with pink hair to save my life?"

I just looked at him. "No. She went through training just like everyone else out there, she's just as professional as they are. She also chooses not to hide her creativity and I think that makes her stronger."

My mother does business management, human resources stuff. She understands it all. It's in her blood. And she's dealing with the difference between office casual & business proper attire for her office workers. I had to explain what a fashionista is. She is definitely of the pressed pants & pumps school. But she's learning. She won't get a tattoo, but she has come to love capri pants.

Nowadays it's more rare to find someone who hasn't got a tattoo or piercing of some sort. Although the only thing I've ever had pierced were my ears, I worked as a DJ at an alternative station with guys who had them all... and I mean ALL. Tongue, lips, eyebrows, ears, nose, and yes, penis... though thankfully I never saw those.... my girlfriend dated him and told me those were like speed bumps..... anyway!

But body art? yes... I paint on my walls, I draw on my notebooks, I love color & design.... yeah. I'll get another. Boyfriends all have different opinions. L loved art as much as I do, so he was cool with it, but he didn't have any himself. Boat said his body is the way god made it, and he can't improve on it, so he wouldn't get one, but it was ok that I did it. A few had them, mutual admiration body art. BB has no problem with mine, he likes them, he said he'll go with me to get my next one, but he cringed at the thought of getting one, not his cup of tea.

Is this a kind of peer pressure thing? I hope I'm not like that, but I might be. I want everyone to express themselves... their own way.... just with tattoos, everybody else can see that expression and know. Wow, that is kinda judgmental. I want people to conform to my ideas, just like they want me to conform to theirs. Huh.

again with the exhaustion

yeah, yeah, another morning shift after a night shift & a three hour nap. Thankfully, work was entertaining enough to keep me awake today & then chinese food with BB for lunch.

Although, food preferences, much like music preferences, can make a difference in a relationship... so far neither of us has run screaming in the other direction. But hey - we're just in the hanging out, getting to know each other, eating lunches, talk once in awhile stage, and I'm not sure I want it to go any further or not... or if he does. eh... Ces't la vie.

Pretty jovial mood today, for me, but I know part of that is from being tired. Chaos mind theory, where anything that enters is fair game and leaves randomly, usually through my mouth. Sometimes it's good to be really obnoxious.

I mean, I've got it pretty good. A great job, people I like to work with, family that's supportive, a best friend who's wonderful at sending me cards to make me snarf, and am paying off debt & saving money. I would like to have my own workshop, and yeah, would like to eventually have a partner in life to share things with, but after L, I'm in no hurry. Take my time & enjoy it here & now.

Of course, this could just be the tried inner calm talking.... tomorrow may be different!

to entertain yourself

try this -Babel Fish- for laughing your ass off fun. I wrote a short email to a friend, and to be silly, I translated it into spanish to send, to let them figure it out. well, I decided to translate it back, to see how well it worked..... and just died laughing!

for instance - I wrote - "Tonight I went jogging and watched the stars." - it came out as - "Fui a activar y miré esta noche las estrellas." - and that translated back as - "I went to activate and I watched stars tonight."

And - "I look forward to eating chinese food with you. But I really look forward to seeing you translate this." - "Miro adelante a comer el alimento chino con usted. Pero realmente miro adelante a usted que traduce esto." - "I ahead watch to eat the Chinese food with you. But really I watch ahead you that you translate this."

Can't help it - it's just plain entertaining!

extra rib? anyone?

Someone, ok, L, once told me that women have an extra rib. And I coulda sworn I'd heard that men had an extra rib, somewhere, sometime. I really don't remember Genesis all that well, so... is there anyone out there more familiar with it? Someone to clarify this whole extra rib scenario?

Beacuse mine really hurt. Like right under the rib cage itself, like I can hook my fingers under and pull the lower ribs & it relieves the pressure. And I'm a certified & registered massage therapist, but by golly, I can't figure this one out.

But, on to another topic, like, well, ummm... me!

Well. Okay. I want to gloat just a little here.

I won an award on Thursday night, which I didn't go to the ceremony for various reasons, and didn't find out till today, for Best Actress Lead - in our production of "Rumors" back in January!

From the review in the local paper -

" The opening scene finds Chris Gorman (Bella) and Ken Gorman (Actor JH) nervously trying to determine how much of the truth they should tell the other guests when they arrive.
This sets the pace for a chaotic set of circumstances that only become more frenzied with the arrival of each couple.
The Gormans are comically portrayed with Chris fighting nicotine addiction while becoming increasingly sloshed. Her descent into inebriation as the play progresses is a study in comic nuance.
Ken is a frantic guest and later in the play temporarily loses his hearing, which sets up a series of laugh lines that is a result of his misunderstanding what people are saying.
The Gormans are a perfectly matched pair of actors and are to be commended. "

Thank you, thank you.... (while bowing) But in all honesty, it was a surprise I'd won. I mean, I know I'm a good and talented actress, I like challenging myself to go into the roles, but I've not ever won one of these things, because someone else, someone who donates lots of money, someone else who has friends on the committee, someone else who's popular always won. So I quit anticipating it long ago. But this time - it was me! they voted for me!!!! YEA!

The best kicker - like it could GET any better? - Our show won for best set! This I'm proud of, because I may be a good actor

but I am damn proud of my artistic ability to transform a stage to look like a real house, like a real courtroom, like a real garage... whatever I've done in the past, but I helped build this set, I coordinated the color scheme, I painted, with help of course, and picked out furniture & decorations & paintings for the walls. Yea!!! I'm happy about this! Does it show??? (grin)

quickie

I promise to write an appropriately lengthy blog later, but was surfing and read This Fish's rendering of the girl/woman internal dialouge that, judging from the comments, alot of us females ponder. So - go, read, and ponder yourself.

oh

and it's raining again. it's beautiful to listen to. wonderful to feel the moist cool breeze through the open windows. nice. very very nice.

yeah, about that

I was so exhausted, I fell asleep after shutting down the computer, wrapped up in a blanket, without bothering to take a shower or pull back the covers. I apparently had enough sense to take out my contacts, but I just dropped them into a glass of water (I wear hard contacts...until the day arrives I can afford laser surgery or such), only to try to find them this morning, and find that they blended into the glass. That was a bitch.

Anyway, contacts got in, shower got taken, teeth got brushed. I haven't done this since I used to go out dancing and drinking and would come home so exhausted I'd fall asleep on the couch, or on more than one occasion, the floor. I really do not miss that at all.

But I'm only 27, so does the fact that I'd rather stay home and paint, or I'd rather do community theatre and have rehearsals every night, or I'd rather go jogging mean that I've gotten old? or just grown up? or just out grown the drinking to get drunk mentality?

And the funny, sweet, generous man I've been getting to know, well... he likes to drink. Alot. See previous text conversation with BB.
He called me at 4am, after he'd been out drinking with friends. It's cool he thought of me, and he was drunk, and I was a groggy mess myself, but we somehow talked for 20 minutes. I just have issues with the alcohol part. But he's 24. So will he eventually out grow it too? Am I willing to keep getting to know him long enough to see?

And come to think of it.... past relationships I had issues with their drinking attitudes. Although with L, I would have been happier had he quit smoking for real, than stressing over his drinking.

Don't get me wrong. I like a glass of wine with dinner once in awhile. I like a daquri on a hot afternoon. A smirnoff twisted green apple at the baseball game or street carnival. But I do not like to drink an entire 6 or 12 pack in one night, down shots till I can't see straight, or be so drunk I can't remember calling someone at 4am.

so tired my eyes hurt

...so please forgive any spelling errors... I can't focus.

But damn, today was a beautiful day. the purple sage has been blooming the past few days, so I knew it would rain soon, and the storms moved in tonight, and washed everything clean.

Just after I got to ride in a DPS helicopter at night. WOW. literally. I had my jaw hanging open for most of the ride. the city lights are so pretty. We were about 2200 feet above ground, just below the clouds, cruising at 90 knots he said. they did their official work stuff, like hovering over a pulled over car, pursuing a car down the highway that was reckless, flying over neighborhoods..... it was sooo fucking cool.

and then when we landed, pushed back in the hangar & cleaned her off from the rain, the pilot answered all my questions - "what's this do? and this? uh-huh- and this? how's this work? wait, what's this for?and this?" oh yeah, I was like a little kid.

I want to fly!!!

soon, I tell myself, soon.

work had passed quickly enough, quietly enough, weather, homework, customer service, smile.

but the beauty.... the other great reason for today was bb coming over again. it had been a great week really - seeing him everyday.

his schedule may change tomorrow, but I don't want to think about that right now.

but this morning, I was still tired because I'd stayed up way too late to organize papers and watch "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" -
the movie- on tv. Must say, excellent quotes from that one.

segueway back now - so I was tired when he came over, and we just took a nap, a good 2 hour nap curled up on my bed together.

and it hit me - I have a body pillow, I have a vibrator, I have a best friend I can talk to about anything.... but I still want that combination of all three in one, in one man, but it also hit me, that as good as this feels, this hanging out, curling up, kissing, talking, whatever it is we do.... I'm still extremely wary about trusting, not just him, anyone, with my heart again.

I'm already wary, because I see the faults, the issues I have with myself, and fear that others will laugh at me, mock me, make fun of me. I have a hard time accepting myself as is, I'm still striving for some image of perfection or something, and I realize it, but it doesn't help keep me from being neurotic around others.

I'm already wary because I still care for someone else, and don't really know if I can do this again. maybe it would just be safer in the long run if there was no relationship or commitment to think about. we just hang out & talk, but don't make those impossible promises to each other like "forever", like "us", like "entire life"....

.......no promises. huh. do I believe in possibility? Yes. do I believe in love? not right now. do I believe in forever? yes, well, at least I want to, but all the evidence I've seen thus far has personally made me want to scream NO.

so these conundrums are there, in the back of my mind, reminding me it's not easy. reminding me that no matter how good it feels, how nice it is, he may change his mind. or me. I may change mine.

and so the only conclusion I've come to thus far, occurred while hovering in the air above all the city lights, is that this is beautiful. Right here, the way I see it it is. so, sit back & enjoy the ride.

today's why

Why does it always feel amazingly better to have someone else massage your hands and feet than to massage them yourself?

No, really. Why?

It's a mystery

Trust. Somehow it all works out, one way or another. Trust and patience. Two lessons I've been learning, no wait, attempting to learn, for years.

How someone makes a remark, puts their foot in their mouth, randomly disparaging really, but it hit me. It stung bad. I walked away from the conversation, upset, internalizing, pulling away from everyone, even the man standing there listening to the other, the man who has been watching me lately, eyeing me, making plans to spend time with me. Because the comment was directed to him about sleeping around, about picking up girls everywhere.

"I knew it" I said to myself, "I'm just a fling, another goal, another notch." Damnit. Everything I'd feared was true. I walked outside. He followed shortly thereafter. I tried to stay cool. Hell, who am I kidding? I tried not to fling his ass into the pool. I just tried to stay calm. I don't know what he said to the other guy after I left. I would love to hear it was telling him to shove it, to shut up. But I don't know, I was too wrapped up inside myself.

He pulled me to him, looked me in the eye, and said "It's not like that. He will not live vicariously through me. I like being with you, just you. Why would I invite you to come visit me if there were other girls? Wouldn't that put a crimp in things if I had other girls? I like getting to know you. Just you."

Well, I'm sure there was more said, and I think I tried to back away at one point, not wanting to believe, then relenting and letting his arms hold me close, gave in.

So. We'll try. Try what? I'm not exactly sure. Each day that we get to see each other is a surprise right now. Do I trust him? Do I trust myself? Am I just a convenience here, and when he gets relocated again he'll forget about me? And..... well..... long term? Still no clue. Patience. Yes. Another lesson. Can I learn it this time?

yes, it is august

amazing really. some days i just look up and realize that "wow, it's august". already. i mean, well, i'm not sure what i mean really.

i'm in another world. wait, that's normal.

this world... i smile all the time, small little private smiles, look up and catch him watching me smiles, the sweet gestures.... yet today was still a little, umm, unsettled. because, i still feel unsure of myself. i mean? why? me? i know i'm special. but, does he see it? what makes him keep coming back, keep calling to talk, keep turning around to watch me, wrapping his arms around me to kiss me? this is the unsettling part.... the "feels like i'm being tested" part. because part of me is so damn jaded, and doesn't want to trust anyone ever again, and the other part is saying consequences be damned, just enjoy it here & now.

and.... and altogether it was a good day, swimming, hanging out, talking, kissing, and he had to leave for work all too soon. and this is where august has gone. into the memory files of happy moments.

a little bit o' art

As a request from, so far, the only other person to leave me a comment....(grin!)
These were used on the set for the local production of "Rumors" earlier this year, and displayed at New Moon Gallery in Midland for a brief show.

I have a very large piece, 5ft by 3ft, it's done, I just have yet to photo it... and am in the process of building two more like it. Well, at least that large anyway. Different color schemes.

Many of the pieces I've been working on are small wooden blocks, carved & painted. To be sent to Art O' Mat, where they put the art into vending machines at museums and sell it.

art-o-mat

I wish I could say I understand this html & code stuff, but I really don't. I prefer to work on something tangible, like wood or canvas, see what I'm doing as I do it. This working in codes has got me confused & frustrated. So. Learning as I go. And will promise to try to add more art & better pictures of it at that.


On the totally unrelated side of this....
back to work today, found out I got a raise while I was gone. Wow. Makes me feel better about all this debt/bill paying off stuff I've been doing. Save a little more too. That'll be nice.

And yet another detour...
talking to BB today, walking through walmart to pick up my pictures...some of which walmart refused to print because they deemed them "unsuitable". This upsets me because it's MY body! MY pictures. I've taken them plenty of cameras with me naked in them and they've printed them before, so why now are they deciding that my breasts are "unsuitable"?
Makes me want to walk into the store topless, just to see how people would react. Damn. Why are breasts so taboo they have to be covered anyway? Mine may be small, but I like them!

But I digress...
the conversation we were having at that point in time was if I could be a lesbian or not.
I told him I'd kissed girls before, it'd different from kissing a boy, mostly because you don't get rubbed raw from stubble.
But no, I couldn't be a lesbian because I like dick.
This made him laugh out loud. He asked what I would do if a girl came up and started getting all touchy & kissy & "macking all over my shit" vs. a guy doing this.
Hmm, I pondered.
Yeah, I'd probably turn her down, but keep making out with the guy.

this is totally no offense to my gay friends, most of whom know my views, just...well. I like dick.

Batteries recharged

Yes! Four days in the mountains, and it rained every day! Great food, good conversations, and long hikes to nowhere in particular.

Played with small children of cousins, I love making faces and making them laugh. Will post more pics tomorrow...the one hour development will be done then. go fig. add to the someday list a digital camera.

I actually got some homework done as well, so I feel I accomplished something. Oh, got some painting done, so that's two things I feel I accomplished.

Now, back to the routine: work, homework, jog, sleep... must add more art time in there.

But I do feel encouraged with the jogging - my cousin (by marriage, but she fits like family) runs marathons, and she ran the 16.2 miles from town to camp on sat. morning. She's only been running 10 years, and when she started, she started with the short 1/2 mile jogs too. So maybe someday I'll run a marathon. I worked on her legs for her that afternoon, help her stretch it out...

I worked on a lot of people this weekend now that I think about it. No wonder my arm hurts. Also got given much advice from my grandmother (who's an RN), about how I should go into nursing because I'd be good at it. I keep explaining I don't believe in unnecessary drugs or surgery, and I'd get way too jaded way too fast if I did go into nursing. I'll stick with massage & natural health for now, thanks.

On the side note, had a few really nice text message conversations through the weekend back & forth with a guy I've gotten friendly with recently -

BB: How was breakfast

me: Food hot. Wind cold. Clouds beautiful. Conversations great. Nap nice. I like not having a plan & just doing nothing for a few days. Helps recharge batterys.

BB: Thats great i wish i was there with you

me: Me too. But there's no drinking here, it is church camp. Could ya handle it? (grin)

BB: With you, yes

....well, it got me all hot & bothered, let me tell ya. Here I am ranting against the male species, except to flirt with of course, and he goes and says something as sweet as that. Just those three little words made me feel like I'm worth it again. And whether or not anything develops in the future, it feels damn good right now.

campmeeting

Campmeeting is this place just outside of Ft. Davis, Texas, where people gather one week every year to socialize, eat doughy cookshed biscuits, and get their churchin' in. This is where I'm headed when I get off work tomorrow. This is where I unwind, hike, visit, and go to a bible study or two. Not that I belong to any church, or really believe in organized religion for that matter, but I like learning what other people think, and it's a beautiful place to be to pray or meditate.

A sight to see - this is wide open spaces



so much do I love this place, I painted it - it now hangs on my wall to remind me

And then there was

the phone call, just to say hi, to see how I'm doin', ask about work, whatever, but I know better. And it ALWAYS leaves me more twisted up inside than I was in the hours/days/weeks before we talked.

Aye.

I feel.... umm, frustrated? yes. Frustrated, damnit! (okay, maybe one half of that frustration is sexual, but that's beside the point). I'm half frustrated because there is a particular man out there, somewhere in the Northeast*, building swimming pools, who is as stubborn as a fucking brick wall! Damn boy.

*yes, I do know where, as I mentally fantasize about going out there for a weekend, and seeing him for dinner, then the fantasy gets ruined by the thought that he may actually have had the time to date/sleep with someone else, or would be sooo wrapped up in his work he wouldn't have the time for me, or would finally tell me to my face he hates me. Yeah, I'm a little unsure of myself when it comes to the person I GAVE MY HEART TO, and then one day, he decided he didn't want it.

And in the realm of history is destined to repeat itself - I will eventually give up on you, give up altogether on the idea that you will come to your senses, and I will lock my heart away, again, and then - one year, two years, five years from now, will be the phone call/letter, telling me how sorry you are, how much I meant to you and you couldn't quite express it, what I mean to you, and how you shut yourself down emotionally and weren't ready for me, and yes, you do/did love me.

I've heard it all before.

And since this is MY blog, MY rant, MY twisted emotions out here, MY memories of what may or may not have happened - I can say this -

Fuck you. You hurt me. I told you not to let me love you in the first place if you weren't for real. But I trusted you. You told me that you wanted me to be the last woman you ever slept with. We talked about marriage and family and art studios. You knew everything about me. I trusted you, you were my friend first. And now?


I still feel that broken jagged edge in my heart.

I still love you, you stubborn fool.

I just want a man who's actually man enough to love me now, take me as-is, want me for me, NOW!

I'm tired of being ahead of my time.

K-huh?

The subject of high school came up at work today. How? I'm not exactly sure. I think it had to with the goofyness that comes from the boredom of a quiet Sunday afternoon, when we're all watching TV and zoning out, waiting for someone to come in or call.

Anyway - the question in question was "High School reunion? Would you go? or Did you go?"

A & I had discussed this a couple of weeks ago, but she had a graduating class of 57, I had a class of 575. Yes, those are the correct numbers - 57 and 575. HUGE difference. She knew her whole class, hell, probably her whole school. Me? I knew, um, a percentage of those people. I was a geek, and the sad part is I knew it. I was in drama, I knew the "cool" people, but by golly, I was a wallflower to most.

And I like to think I grew out of it, somewhat....



but inside, I still feel like high school was just torture for those of us who didn't belong to the cliques or whatever. People - kids - were mean. Mean to the boy who was slower, mean to the kid who couldn't catch the ball & got hit in the head in PE (and PE is a whole other rant reserved for another dimension), mean to the girl who had no money to buy the new clothes. Mean. I swore I wouldn't put my children in public schools, if only to actually teach them real stuff and not for the Test (yet another rant for another time).

I had the privilege of working as a substitute teacher at a school that had peer groups, peer counseling. And yes, they didn't learn immediately, it took time, but the students called each other on their attitudes and kept each other in check. And it worked. They worked, they supported each other. If only public schools could do that. But no, they concentrate on cookie-cutter mentality, stopping any creative thinking, and so what if they beat each other up in the parking lot after school.

Yeah - I didn't even want to be at my graduation - my mom won that one. So to me high school was 10 years ago, and it can stay there. It's weird enough when I run into people now in the bar or the store, I don't even want to imagine a whole room full of that awkwardness.


(wink) -maybe I'll post the nekkid pictures sometime.