The tone changes

I turn up the music in my car. Loud. I want to feel the vibrations of the beat all the way to my bones. I have to feel it now.

"You have a heart murmur. It's nothing to worry about right now. Don't overstrain yourself. Don't smoke. Don't gain an unhealthy amount of weight. Exercise regularly."

I haven't thought about this in, well, awhile. Yeah, sometimes it creeps into the back of my mind. When I've kickboxed too long and hard. When I used to smoke. When I'm really upset. When I've had great wild and sweaty sex.

"You should get a checkup every year, and when you feel an unhealthy amount of strain in your chest, get checked. You really have nothing to worry about for a least 20 years. But it's best to keep an eye on things."

I had health insurance until I was about 21. I quit going to the doctor every year about the time I was in high school. I think the last time I saw a doctor was in the ER after my wreck in '97. Have I really gone eight years without having a checkup? Am I really that stupid?

No. I prefer to not think about it. I know that's what's going on. I can go for months after my car inspection is due before I even notice. I can be out of blue navy paint and go to the art store many times before I'll pick up more paint. I can stare at the three different types of toothpaste, and not remember whether I like peppermint or spearmint better, and I have to check the almost empty tube to figure it out.

But this is my health. ! This is my life, and I haven't been paying attention. I've been ignoring myself. This is bad. Because I thought I was listening. But apparently I was listening to and then ignoring myself.

"Why don't you find out for sure. Please, Bella, get an appointment with a heart specialist. Soon."

And now this thought barrages all my actions. And now I'm freaking myself out over it. And now I'm trying to figure out how to handle this thought that something really could be wrong.

I always thought I'd prefer not to know. I always told myself that I'd rather keep living my life as I do and not know. This is silly, absurd really, considering what I'm studying. And that I like asking questions. About EVERYTHING. Except my own health. To a point. Because guaranteed once I'm in that exam room I'll be asking the doctor all sorts of questions on all sorts of things. I'll ask for definitions and explanations, I'll ask what causes this, what I can do for that.

This fear will pass. Eventually. But right now I'm going to internalize and try to figure things out. As if I could figure things out. I need to. Somehow. I need to pay attention.

I'm scared. I do not like this feeling.