where did I lose the light along the way?

So many not so many years ago, long before now before I forgot, here I stood embracing the world around me.

I wore flowers in my hair just because it was a day when I saw flowers. I wandered through a sprinkler or fountain just because I felt like it.

Today stopped me in my tracks. I stood there, watching the water splash down, reflecting the hot sunlight and inviting me in to play. I wanted to. I wanted to get soaked and laugh and not care. To release all this that has built inside, threatening my fragile acceptance.

I didn't do it. I have finally bent my will to everyone elses standards of proper behavior. I cried inside. Even further than I already had been. I broke a little more.

To supress the rebel, to shush the laughter, to hold back the screams and tears...

She aches to run free once more. She yearns to enjoy once again. She longs for her path to be her own.

She is so ready to burst forth, to splash in the water sprinklers, to sing out loud, so color on the walls, to throw her hands in the air and wave them like she just doesn't care, to wear flowers in her hair just because she sees flowers.

This ache inside, this thinly plastered wall of cheap promises and lousy reality, needs to be torn down. Needs to be tossed out so the lovely knotted wood that supports this frame can be polished and shine through with laughter and silliness and hope and care.

catching

I know it's just the breeze from the ceiling fan that tossed the papers and riff-raff hanging on the wall around, just enough to catch my eye. A badge, from a conference in January, one that opened my eyes and gave me so many ideas. This badge just caught the breeze, flipped enough to catch the light and thus catch my eye.

There are innocent reminders everywhere, really. I leave them there on purpose. To remind me when I walk by. To remind me how much fun I had or what I was doing or what I was thinking. To inspire future creativity and ideas.

It has been said that I had a horrible time when I traveled in April because I don't like being out of my comfort zone and I didn't give the place or the people a chance. But I routinely do go out on those limbs and try new things and new places and sign up for new classes - because I do want to learn and experience them.

And then I place reminders everywhere to, well, remind.

To say "I enjoyed this." "I learned this." "I did this."

To inspire new directions and new hopes and new thoughts.

In hopes that they'll lead to new reminders...

happiness is...

Strangely missing from the day to day world is the sound of laughter. Anymore it's full of reasons to run screaming or contemplate taking up suicidal martial arts that involve sharp pointy instruments and blood-curdling screams as you attack whomever has pissed you off.

I think I need to find a new hobby. Keeping those blades sharp is tough.

Beyond that, things have changed. The world did not end when these things changed, but rather it keeps turning. Frustrating and calming at the same time.

My desires are put on hold, yet-fucking-again.

My opinions and thoughts do not matter in these decisions, so I'm left holding the bill for something I did not order and I'm told I have to be happy with it.

You know what? I don't work that way.

When I'm second-guessing myself, something is wrong. The ache in my gut tells me so long before the fire-alarm goes off. So when I don't listen, when I'm told to be quiet, when the majority rule decrees what is best and I'm sent to the corner to think about what I've said, that's when it's time for me to leave anyway.

sometimes there are too many questions

Within the hour I knew why, but i still didn't know why. The vibes were shifting all afternoon and I didn't know why. There was an edge, a shift of wonder to concern.

All in all, you never see it coming. Never is that phone call the one you expect. Never is that statement the one you thought you were going to hear. All in all, your adrenaline starts flowing and you're in the wrong place.

The tears don't stop because I will them so, they stop because I've cried them all into my sleeve. Soaked and fresh, tender puffy eyes that beg for one more round, one more release.

The littlest thing sets me off now. It's raw in here. A moth glances off my arm and I burst into tears anew. My comment was disregarded, the humor lost, I feel stupid and foolish, the waterworks rebel. I wrap my arms around myself in hopes this very bad dream will wake me up to a better day full of hope and laughter, only to realize this dream is the suddenly surreal world I cannot repair all alone.

Please, I pray now, please make it right. Please make it better, easier. Please. I don't know how much more I can take, and from what the fates dealt today, I'm going to have to take a lot more.

just a few things to say

I'm finally back on familiar ground. Sorta. Tons of things will never the the same, least of all my perception of how the world turns.

Crazy is as crazy does. Everybody has their own brand of crazy - including people who are 'experts' on what works and what doesn't.

I'm not an expert. I'm a student. I prefer asking questions and learning as I go along. Just to see where the roads, or the conversations, turn.

I hate being talked down to, no matter what. This is a sticking point with me no matter who I'm in conversation with, and if the person talking down to me is a boss or leader or as in this case, a family member - well, I get riled.

I'm hunched over as I write this. My body language is on defense even now. Still working through emotions and responses.

Ups and downs regarding the income have made me tense regarding paying bills as much as just daily living.

No, I'm not perfect. I'm human. I'm learning what works for me as I go along. I sure as hell don't like being told I should be doing things a certain way just because the person giving advice has a piece of paper declaring them an expert, when that piece of paper doesn't preclude their own choices. Thus proving they don't always know what they're talking about. Further proving that what they say is not always for the best.

Yep. Still irritated. Angry responses and conversations have been rolling through my head for the past few days/weeks, just begging for sense or freedom, waiting for me to say something. Anything.

My body is still trying to tell me I need to heal. Skin irritations and muscle pain that are still working themselves away.

Time. Time to heal. Time to work things through. Time to make new changes and slide into place for a new direction.

mired morose middle

I’m in a strange place doing things I never wanted to do. Pack school lunches, cart kids to after school activities, dentist appointment – and not for me, which I desperately need to do but can’t afford.

Normally the location would be considered paradise. Normally. This is skin crawling. Chicken poop, half-eaten dog food, bird feathers, a couple of mice that have yet to be caught, a dog that is half-blind & farts all the time, a kitchen counter that is covered in residue from probably hundreds of meals since the last time it was wiped down, the encouragement to go barefoot in all this filth where one can blatantly make out the scent of sweaty feet, bath towels and sheets hung to dry where the pigeons roost, quilts and pillows that smell of urine, either from the dog or children…

I haven’t had a decent night’s sleep yet. I have to survive this 10 more days.

Taking care of children who are being raised as if consequences don’t matter – a 10 year old who cannot read and has no desire to, kids who don’t know how to clear a dinner table, much less to wash dishes, pre-teens who still wet the bed, and the attitude that ‘toss it on the floor, mom will pick it up’ and when I point out I’m not their mom, I’m just the week-long full time babysitter and I’m not going to put up with that, I get the yelling – they honestly think this is an ideal way to raise kids.

I’m all for unschooling and home schooling and the emphasis on arts in education and developing programs to adapt to a child’s learning needs, but this is awful. Not knowing how to read by 10. Not even basic words. It’s pitiful. How will these children ever learn anything else in life? How do they learn anything now?

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My empathy is extremely stretched right now. Last week was hard and I still haven’t had time to grieve. I’m in an unfamiliar place, stuck doing things I don’t want to do, and I’m not getting much sleep which just makes me more cranky.

When I travel I like to get lost and explore. I cherish the alone time to wander an antiques store or sit and sip a tea while people watching. I need things that bring me comfort like a beautiful design or a well written story. I want to go wander about to see what I see. I want to take the time to take a nap.

Although no matter how physically tired I am from dealing with the kids and trying to get my work contracts fulfilled and apply for jobs – I’m not in the same zone of depression I had been in. Which has been both a blessing and disbelief because I haven’t had the time to just sit and think or wander or take care of me.

Yes. I’m selfish like that. I know I need my quiet time and sleep and food I can eat and at least some semblance of cleanliness and time to just wander off by myself and escape everything else. Or everyone else.

goodbye old bear

the surrealness of the moments today stick out far too clear. the crying. the climbing over a fence. the tracking down. the phone calls. the sight. the crying. the comments. the headaches. saying goodbye. the crying.

everything else is too public. too shiny happy face or too holding her shit together.

I am not holding my shit together as well as anyone might think.

I'm pissed at the #$@%#$^$@#% airlines because they have 'oversold' their two possible flights, hoping that someone won't show, meanwhile people who need to be in places at the last minute, like for a funeral, are screwed. And I want to know when customer service really died, because there is not an ounce of compassion in any of the people I talked to.

I'm pissed at the "goddamned Army" (MASH) because BF is theirs and I can't talk to him or tell him whats going on so we can sort through this mess, but if it weren't for the Army he would be here now anyway and it would be a moot point, but again, if it weren't for the Army we wouldn't have met. I rail. It does no good.

I'm tired of trying to get things settled. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired... I'm just tired.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He was a grouch. A coot. An ornery bear. An ogre. And these were the affectionate terms. Really. But he did a lot of great stuff and was a huge civic leader and influence for decades. He got shit done. His way. He knew what was right and what needed to happen and he growled and made sure it happened.

He built this city. He helped push laws into place on a state level. He was in the Army Air Corp in WWII. Which nearly killed him and then forgot about him. He taught so many programs. He was hard on his family and had a terrible temper. He was an alcoholic. He died just before noon, alone in a hospital bed.

And I can't stop crying.