I’m in a strange place doing things I never wanted to do. Pack school lunches, cart kids to after school activities, dentist appointment – and not for me, which I desperately need to do but can’t afford.
Normally the location would be considered paradise. Normally. This is skin crawling. Chicken poop, half-eaten dog food, bird feathers, a couple of mice that have yet to be caught, a dog that is half-blind & farts all the time, a kitchen counter that is covered in residue from probably hundreds of meals since the last time it was wiped down, the encouragement to go barefoot in all this filth where one can blatantly make out the scent of sweaty feet, bath towels and sheets hung to dry where the pigeons roost, quilts and pillows that smell of urine, either from the dog or children…
I haven’t had a decent night’s sleep yet. I have to survive this 10 more days.
Taking care of children who are being raised as if consequences don’t matter – a 10 year old who cannot read and has no desire to, kids who don’t know how to clear a dinner table, much less to wash dishes, pre-teens who still wet the bed, and the attitude that ‘toss it on the floor, mom will pick it up’ and when I point out I’m not their mom, I’m just the week-long full time babysitter and I’m not going to put up with that, I get the yelling – they honestly think this is an ideal way to raise kids.
I’m all for unschooling and home schooling and the emphasis on arts in education and developing programs to adapt to a child’s learning needs, but this is awful. Not knowing how to read by 10. Not even basic words. It’s pitiful. How will these children ever learn anything else in life? How do they learn anything now?
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My empathy is extremely stretched right now. Last week was hard and I still haven’t had time to grieve. I’m in an unfamiliar place, stuck doing things I don’t want to do, and I’m not getting much sleep which just makes me more cranky.
When I travel I like to get lost and explore. I cherish the alone time to wander an antiques store or sit and sip a tea while people watching. I need things that bring me comfort like a beautiful design or a well written story. I want to go wander about to see what I see. I want to take the time to take a nap.
Although no matter how physically tired I am from dealing with the kids and trying to get my work contracts fulfilled and apply for jobs – I’m not in the same zone of depression I had been in. Which has been both a blessing and disbelief because I haven’t had the time to just sit and think or wander or take care of me.
Yes. I’m selfish like that. I know I need my quiet time and sleep and food I can eat and at least some semblance of cleanliness and time to just wander off by myself and escape everything else. Or everyone else.
Labels: depression, huh?, thoughts, travel